Alien: Heresy

Alien: Romulus does Alien 3

Sabrina and I saw Alien: Romulus on Wednesday. We prepared by watching all six of the previous films in the series (no, we didn’t bother with AvP) in the preceding six days. I had seen them all save Alien: Covenant before, but some not for 20 years or longer. Watching them all in a row gave me a newfound appreciation for some and inspired some flamin’ hot takes about others.

For all that the series is beloved, for all its immeasurable influence, most of the individual films haven’t been highly rated. The first two are widely—almost universally—regarded to be the best, and sometimes “the only good ones.” Are they? Let’s quickly review the other five.

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ALIEN 3

Although all four films from Alien 3 to Covenant have their haters, Alien 3 probably comes in for the most contempt, and it’s easy to see why. This film kills off two of Aliens’ protagonists before the curtain even rises, knocks off a third fairly early on, and finally dispatches Ripley herself in the end—not a recipe for fan enthusiasm. It went through a famously hellish development process, which is abundantly evident in the theatrical cut. Even setting aside the bold choice to kill off a bunch of beloved characters, it’s just not a good movie. The screenplay, hacked together from parts of better work that was deemed unfilmable (i.e., too expensive), is poorly paced, clumsily plotted, and largely (albeit not entirely) characterized by indistinguishable characters and unmemorable dialogue. The special effects are terrible, too—the crude CGI xenomorph doesn’t even look consistent from one scene to the next.

ALIEN RESURRECTION 

Resurrection too has its vocal detractors. People don’t like the campy extravagance of Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s direction, the Joss Whedon script full of one-liners and zingers (essentially a dry run for his show Firefly), or the sinister Ripley clone who behaves little like the character they know and love. The script definitely has its rough (or just plain embarrassing) patches, but for the most part, this thing is a hoot. It shies away from suspense and leads hard on body horror, gross-out weirdness, and visual verve. And after two straight performances of strained, uncomfortable heterosexuality, Ripley finally gets back to being quietly gay. With robot Winona Ryder, no less!

PROMETHEUS 

Prometheus is probably the least common choice for “worst Alien movie” (except perhaps on the technicality that “it’s not really an Alien movie”), but for all its merits (and it has many—it’s a beautiful film), it is almost certainly the dumbest. Thanks to a truly awful screenplay by the ever-detestable Damon Lindelof and a few poor casting choices, the cast are not the least bit believable as a team of academics; they bumble along, making every possible wrong or stupid decision, while a convoluted story unfolds around them that tries to turn a bunch of ancient-aliens conspiracy goofiness into a grave, portentous fable about creation and mortality. None of it works, and the cowardly decision to have the Engineers just be big bald Dr. Manhattan types instead of elephant-headed giant ETs is a petty but particularly bitter disappointment for me.

ALIEN: COVENANT 

Covenant tries to square the circle of being a proper sequel to Prometheus and bringing the series back to its sci-fi horror roots, with mixed results. The screenplay, Lindelof-free, is much improved, but still saddled by many of the previous film’s poor choices, and once again features a whole mess of characters whose job it is to travel through space and explore alien planets yet who seem to have no idea how to do that safely. Taking a page from Alien 3, it dumps some of the previous installment’s ballast by unceremoniously murdering a main character offscreen. Michael Fassbender is an absolute treat, though.

ALIEN: ROMULUS 

Romulus, at the end of the day, is an Alien clip show. It has a ton of potential—great production design, wonderful practical effects, some very cool set pieces—but it is determined to cram every frame with Easter eggs and homages, and eventually pivots from homage to simply regurgitating iconic lines and images from the previous six films nonstop through its last half hour. The use of AI to recreate the late Ian Holm (and not even to reprise his role from Alien, but simply to portray a similar character) might be the single lowest point of the series. (For all that, it’s mostly enjoyable!)

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So is my heretical take that Resurrection is good, actually? Well, yes, but it’s kind of a corollary to a much hotter take: Resurrection might be the second-best of the series, which means that Aliens isn’t. In fact, it’s one of the worst, and it’s guilty of almost everything that the subsequent sequels (and prequels) catch hell for. Take off your rose-colored Millennial nostalgia glasses, and let’s run down its list of sins. Aliens…

1. Rewrites the main character. Alien 3 especially gets shit for this (Resurrection gets more of a pass, I think, because it’s not meant to be exactly the same character); people don’t like meek, maudlin, suicidal prison-planet Ripley. But superheroic good mother Ripley is no less of a departure from the unsentimental, no-nonsense professional we met in Alien. The gloomy, beaten-down Ripley is relatable, at least, like the original Ripley just having a bad day at the office. This Ripley isn’t.
2. Undoes the ending of the previous film in order to shoehorn in an otherwise incompatible plot. No, it’s not as egregious as killing half of the characters offscreen or bringing one back from the dead, but it is pretty ridiculous that Aliens sends Ripley straight back to the planet she just escaped from, and without much in the way of motivation. Burke never satisfactorily explains why it’s important that she join the mission, and her choice is ultimately framed as the fulfillment of a self-evident need for her to face her fears. Big Reagan-era self-help energy here.
3. Departs from the tone and mood of the previous film. For some reason, Alien 3’s bleakness and Resurrection’s gonzo campiness come in for constant criticism, but Aliens gets a pass because “it’s an action movie, not a horror.” But it’s not just a shift of genre. Aliens is basically an R-rated children’s movie, complete with a plucky preteen deuteragonist who’s never in any real danger, a schmaltzy found-family narrative with intimations of a (hetero) romance, a raft of wisecracks and one-liners, and an improbably happy ending. None of it has aged well; the whole thing has a slightly camp quality (in contrast to Resurrection’s intentional campiness).
4. Dilutes the impact of the monster. This is a common problem in horror sequels, and Aliens commits all the usual sins: it multiples one implacable monster into a legion of uninteresting cannon fodder, making them individually fragile and disposable; it shows the monsters more, relying less on mystery and the viewer’s imagination; and it adds new types of monster, something that the prequels catch a lot of heat for but that started right here. Yeah, the queen is a cool design, but it proves to be a very slippery slope.
5. Drives the plot in order to tick various boxes rather than to follow a consistent internal logic. We want to go back to the planet and fight aliens, so we go back and fight aliens without a satisfactory justification. Gotta keep the characters on the surface—guess we’ll stick an alien in the dropship (never mind that none ever goes outside). We want another ending where an alien gets blown out an airlock, so we contrive to have the queen follow the characters up to orbit after a false ending. We need a bunch of fodder for gory kills, so the Marines show up under strength, with inadequate equipment and no knowledge of what they’re up against. Does Burke even want this mission to succeed?
6. Overstuffs the cast with forgettable, generic characters. We’ve got the green young officer, the grizzled NCO, the Latina stereotype (played by a white woman in brownface, no less), the aviator-wearing pilot, and…eight others? A couple of them come into focus eventually (hetero love interest, panicky whiner) but most are just meat. And yet they get names, they get screen time, they get dialogue. Instead of eight near-identical grunts with speaking parts, there should’ve been three dozen extras (because although the cast is too big, the deployment is bizarrely small, and perplexingly includes no crew for the ship itself).
7. Diminishes the environmental terror of the setting. We go right back to the same planet Ripley just left—an awe-inspiring wasteland of freezing temperatures, howling winds, and hellish precipitation, which humans could traverse only clumsily, in bulky spacesuits—and thanks to some hand-waved terraforming, everybody can now walk around without so much as a face mask. (Never mind that there are facehuggers afoot!)

And those are just the flaws it shares with its successors. What might be the worst thing about it—something that really sets it apart from the others—is how dated it feels. It spoils some of the groundbreaking gender progressiveness of Alien by pushing Ripley into a more archetypically feminine mold, making her both a mother figure and a heterosexual love interest to a male soldier. It traffics in the casual misogyny, racism, and homophobia of its benighted time, which is both embarrassing on its face (again: brownface!) and a pretty grievous failure of science fiction writing. The air of anachronism extends beyond the cracks about gay sex and illegal immigration, too. Why do the Colonial Marines have American flag patches on their uniforms? Why does most of their equipment look like vintage kit from the 20th century?

There’s also a more subtle but more sinister message in the soldiers being—behind their charmingly roguish exteriors—universally virtuous, brave, and admirable, and not at all complicit in the evil deeds of their slimy, untrustworthy, ignoble corporate taskmaster. Cameron had Vietnam in mind when he conceived the story, an allegorical tale of good soldiers thrown into harm’s way by corrupt leaders disconnected from reality and ignorant of the situation on the ground. Like an American clean Wehrmacht myth, it’s a cryptofascist revision of Vietnam history, of a piece with the lie that returning servicemen were spit on by hippies and antiwar protestors. But the very existence of the Colonial Marines is a poor choice, too, diluting and confusing the monolithic power of The Company. No longer is this a post-government hypercapitalist dystopia; now it’s just 1980s America in space.

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It’s still fun! All of the sequels and prequels are fun in one way or another (and all have bits and pieces ripe to be plucked for a TTRPG campaign—expect to see their influence seep into lots of content on this blog in the coming months). Each is flawed, too, in many of the same ways: riddled with plot holes, stuffed with too many uninteresting characters, ignorant of quarantine protocols. None even comes close to matching the quality of the original Alien.

The seven films together do not form a coherent whole—and that’s fine. Down with canon, I say. Down with lore. Down with the franchise. Up with a diverse roster of filmmakers taking an iconic horror baddie for a spin and not worrying much about continuity or fan service. Speaking of which—isn’t it high time a female director helmed one of these things? Give Claire Denis an Alien film!